My best friend shared this with me tonight....

“Cuddled in Heaven”

We had so little time to share, Too soon, I had to leave.

I know how much you love me.

I know how much you grieve.

I know how sharp your pain is, I feel the aching in your hearts.

My life so quickly ended before it barely had a start.

I remember how you held me, and kissed my face and hands.

You cuddled me so gently, but God had other plans.

I was your perfect angel from God you knew I came.

Suddenly he called me home again, and now God holds my hand.

I know you’ll always miss me, I understand your pain is hard to bear.

Just remember that I’m in heaven and we’ll see each other there.

So smile when you think of me and wipe away all your tears.

I’m cuddled now in heaven by our family members here.

I’m waiting here in heaven, and on the day we meet again, I’ll be the first to smile and greet you,

when God calls you home to him.

I am so blessed to have such good friends. I love you Stephanie!!

Almost a year....

I have almost done it... almost survived the first year without Hazel. It has been a long 11 months and 3 weeks. So much in our lives have changed, it has truly been a roller coaster. I am holding on, getting stronger everyday and remembering to be thankful for all the blessings I have in my life.

Today I found this poem on another Angel mommies blog and thought I would post it here.

You never said you're leaving

You never said goodbye

You were gone before I knew it,

And only God knows why.

A million times I needed you,

A million times I cried.

If love alone could have saved you,

You never would have died.

In life I loved you dearly

In death I love you still

In my heart you hold a place,

That nobody can fill.

It broke my heart to lose you,

But you didn't go alone

For part of me went with you,

The day God took you home.

Author unknown

I bought floating lanterns for Hazel's Angel day celebration. I was so happy to get them in the mail this week. The kids, my mom and I decided to do a 'test launch' tonight. They were much bigger than we thought they would be and took a little time to inflate but once it took off it was amazing! I was a little worried about the twisting and bobbing that it did, I was sure that with my luck it was going to fall and catch someones house on fire!!! We watched until it flew out of sight and while I'm certain it didn't catch anyone's house on fire I would like to know how many people saw it and wondered what in the heck it was! :) I can't wait to let them off together. The kids want to draw pictures and write notes to attach to the lanterns to 'send' to Hazel. It will be a special day and while I am not sure that I am really ready to face her first birthday without her here, I know that I will be surrounded by the people that love me the most and for that I feel blessed.

Getting ready for Angel Day.....

May 23rd is approaching fast and I am not ready. Not ready emotionally or physically. Everything I thought I wanted that day to be doesn't seem right now.

How do prepare to celebrate your daughters first year when she spent it in Heaven instead of in your arms?

I haven't blogged lately because I just can't deal with the pain. Everything has been so hard lately with George and Hazel has again gotten tucked deep in my heart. I feel like if she is there she is safe. I want to keep her safe, to keep myself safe from the pain.

George and I are having a hard time figuring this out, getting on the same page and doing what is best for our family. I know that the day will come and it will fall together but right now I am overwhelmed.

Just a few quotes I found tonight as I was looking through my favorite baby loss sites.

"Some say you are too painful to remember, I say you are too precious to forget!"

"Dear Lord, I would have loved to have held my babies on my lap and tell them about you, but since I didn't get the chance, would you please hold them on your lap and tell them about me?"

"Loved with a love beyond telling,
Missed with a grief beyond all tears."

~Meagan

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in other's eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not
theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try to walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so that they don't hurt quite so
much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think
about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

-Author Unknown

I am good, I am ok.....

I have been trying to make time to write here for almost a week! I always find an excuse... too tired, too busy... Not sure why.

A very special friend asked me how I was doing a few days ago. Not thinking anything I said "I'm good!". The friends responded "No, how are you really?". How am I really? I am good, I am ok.... I am the best I can be today. I always have this guilty feeling that I am not doing enough for the kids here with me, that I am not thinking of Hazel enough. That I am not 'doing' something in her memory. We talk about her all the time, and we always kiss her urn as we walk by in the morning and at night. But is that enough? I want to do more to honor her memory.

Honestly I don't want to have to honor a memory but I want to hold her, to play with her, to see her smile. I want her here with me. I want all of this nightmare to go away.....

Over the last 9 months my life has taken so many twists and turns that some days I feel like it's all spinning out of control. Then sometimes, when I slow down for a little while, I can feel God's hand at work. I am able to smile and believe that even if I don't know what it is, there is a plan. That if I have patience I will see the great gifts God has in store for me. If only I could remember to be patient more often......

I am blessed to have such supportive and lovingly friends and family who are always there for me, to help me see those blessings and remind me to slow down. I thank God every day for each of you! Thank you for being there to help me navigate every twist and turn, each heartache and JOY!

Loving you all,

Meagan

Please forgive me for rambling.... I will post again soon....

"Mama, you know when I walk by the changing table and I kiss that box I am kissing Hazel right?" -Toliver age 5

I can't believe my baby boy is 5 already. He is the sweetest most sincere little boy ever. Tolly always tells me that he loves me more than I love him, its just not possible...

He is always talking about Hazel and talking to her. He prays everyday and thanks God for taking care of her. Tonight my two oldest girls are having a sleepover with Neeni (Grandma!) and it hadn't been 10 minutes since we dropped them off before he was saying "I sure miss the girls already!"

Toliver has such a deep love for Hazel, I love to watch him hold her urn. He talks to her and prays for her everyday.

My girls all love Hazel and grieve for her in their own ways of course. I see it different in all of them.

But something that is the same is they all talk about her all the time. I love this, I love that they include her in just about everything we do. They talk about her, even Penelope who isn't even 2 yet will occasionally walk over and talk to her and ask about baby Hazel. I love that even though they are little and only got to hold her earthly body for a few short hours they know that she was a real person, their real sister.

I am blessed in so many ways, I just wish it wasn't so hard to see some days.....

Look for your blessings today,

Meagan

(started this almost 2 weeks ago, just now posting oops!!)

Unworn Clothes.....

I walk by Hazel's dresser every morning. Every once in a while I think about the little outfits she never got to wear.

I never got to dress her in a favorite outfit.

I had already bought her first Christmas outfit, it still has the tags on it. As do the cute little clothes bought just a week before her birth.

We have blankets, a few lovies, all embroidered with her name. All of these things sit unused....

I have kept them all sitting on the changing table and tucked in the drawers of her dresser.

I haven't changed anything other than to add her beautiful urn and angel box.

Her angel box is full of the few momentos we have from her short time with us. A lock of hair, a hospital bracelet she never wore, a beaded bracelet that my sweet nurse made for us. a few pictures

.

That is all there is.

There will never be anything else, nothing else to add to the scrapbook of her life.

I have many things, poems and thoughts written on little pieces of paper. Things I have jotted down when a thought crosses my mind or I saw something that made me think of her. But these are the things that go in the scrapbook of her memory.

I miss her, I want to hold her, to learn all her little sounds and her favorite things. I want to watch her interact with her siblings. They all love her and miss her so much but Tolly is the one who expresses it the most freely.

I love to watch him, as he talks to her. He loves to hold her or whisper to her picture. Its so sweet and helps so much, to see him love her in a very real visible way.

I know that one day I will hold her and know her. I know that it I will hold her longer than I won't. These are the things I remind myself of everyday, when the days are long and I am missing her more than the day before.

~Meagan

14 things I love....

Lately my post have been sad... today not so much! In honor of the holiday I am making a list! I love lists!! I am making a list of 14 things that I love.....

(These are in no particular order, so don't judge if you think I should value number 10 above number 1!!)

#1. A hot cup of coffee!! Specifically a Cafe Mocha! More specifically one shared with a friend.

#2. Thumbprint cookies with jam! These have been my most recent baking obsession, I make them with a shortbread recipe and eat way too many every time!!

#3. Music, I love putting together a new playlist, my most recent includes 'Beautiful' from Mercy Me, 'Hello Sunshine' from Barlow Girl and 'A Room in my Heart' from Faith Hill. I love when a song speaks volumes in just a few verses. I love it even more when I can share that song with a friend who needs to hear those same words.

#4. A good book, any book really. I have contemplated getting a digital reader for a few years but I love the feel of the pages, the smell of a new book.... I am also a compulsive highlighter! I can't read anything without a pen or highlighter... :)

#5. Being pregnant. I love feeling the first flutters of life deep in my womb. I love the secret... being the only one that feels those first movements. I love my belly as it grows. I love the little hiccups, the flips and turns. I would love to feel it all over again so I could savor each moment just a little more, stay awake a little longer to delight in each movement, because you just never know.....

#6. Snuggling with my kids! I am a lucky Mama that I have four little ones that love to cuddle. Judge me if you must, but they all still love to sleep in my bed and I let them! I love to fall asleep to the sound of four individual breathing rhythms. I love the way they cuddle each other, I often say they sleep like puppies all piled on top of one another!

#7. Baking. Recently I have developed a love of baking, I love how I can get into a recipe and just be in the moment. I can concentrate on the measuring and mixing and not worry about the grief, fear, anxiety of life for that 20-30 minutes. I also love that my kids love to bake with me!!

#8. Slow days at home. Ok so in reality we don't have 'slow' days, ever! But we have been home a lot more the last two months and I am enjoying it so much! I love spending our days together letting our interests of the day lead what we study.

#9. Writing. I love the written word, I love to read it and I love to put it on paper myself. I keep a daily journal, a gratitude journal and write here. Plus countless lists scribbled on paper all over my house!!

#10. Spending time outside in the sun! I can't wait for warmer days, yesterday Ivy and I pulled chairs over by the window so we could soak up some much needed sun! I love to play outside with the kids, we are all getting a little stir crazy waiting on spring this year.

#11. Running. I love to run, I don't take nearly enough time to do it. I love that my mind is free to wander or to think of nothing at all. Its one of the few times its just me, doing something for me.

#12. Spending time with friends. I am lucky to have many good friends, friends who have been so supportive throughout the last year. I have felt overwhelmed with the amount of support that has been shown the last few weeks as my world has taken another crazy turn. I am certainly a blessed girl.

#13. To Garden. We started a garden about 3 years ago, we have had so much fun picking out seeds, plotting where they will go in the large area we laid out in the back yard. I love the excitement as the kids check everyday to see what is peeking up out of the ground, I love when things finally start to grow and we watch and wait for the vegetables to be ready for picking... and eating!!

#14. The Lord! This should have been number one!!!! I am so blessed to feel the Lord in my life, sometimes it is hard to see through all the heartache and frustrations but He is there. He is there in all the little joys, I just have to look for it. I have been blessed to come across the book One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp recently, and in the book she says that if we can just find one joy in a situation that it can change your whole outlook. This has proved to be so true for me the last few weeks, I am lucky to have a friend who reminds me of this everyday and keeps me going when the days don't seem so 'joyful'. I am a blessed girl!

I have so many more and could 'list' them forever but for now there is 14 of my loves!!

~Meagan

A long couple of days....

The last few days have held so much emotion for me, heartbreak..joy..love..sorrow...the list doesn't seem to end.

February 9th was the anniversary of my younger sister's death 3 years ago. Jennifer was just 26 years old. It was a very sudden loss and we were all shocked and devastated. We had been preparing for the death of my father who had been home on hospice for 8 months and now during his last days on earth we had to tell him that his baby girl had gone ahead of him. It was the hardest thing I have had to watch my Mom go through. At this time when she was already carrying so much on her tired but strong shoulders she had to look at the love of her life and tell him something that she knew would break his heart. She did it with so much love and compassion. Maybe in some way it prepared me for telling George the same news almost 3 years later.

The next 12 days were long and difficult, we watched the life slowly drain out of my Dad's body. I recieved the call on a cold snowy evening on Feburary 21st that he had taken his last breath and it was time to come and kiss his earthly body goodbye. I drove only 45 minutes that night but it seemed like hours... I wanted to be there to hold him, to hold my Mom. After getting to the house and kissing him goodbye for the last time, we gathered in the living room with loved ones and talked about what a wonderful man he was. We talked of all the little quirks that made him who he was, the things we would see in each other, in my children, the things that keep him alive in us all today. It was a beautiful evening in the midst of so much agony.

For two weeks we planned and prepared for a memorial service where we would say goodbye to both my sister and my father. My mom had decided to wait and do them together because this way, in her eyes she would be comforted by the fact that they were together. It was a wonderful service and many came to celebrate the lives of these two very special people with us.

At this time of so much sorrow, my belly was growing bigger every day with new life. Just 24 days after my Dad passed away I gave birth to my fourth child, a little girl who would never get to meet Paw Paw or Aunt Jenni. This has been something I have struggled with, with mixed feelings of sadness and anger. However, I had a good friend remind me the other day that although Dad and Jenni are not here, my children will get to know them through the memories, love and experiences that I had with my Dad and Sister that I share with them. It made me realize just how close they still are and how much I really do try to keep their memory alive in my home. I am blessed to have such good friends and family surrounding me during these difficult times.

"Our hearts still ache in sadness, and secret tears still flow, what it meant to lose you, no one will ever know" ~unknown

~Meagan

Chicken Soup for the Angel Mommy's Soul.....

Today I came across a facebook page with this title. I was excited to check it out and after everyone was tucked into bed I looked it up. I am not sure how I feel now....

Since the death of my precious Hazel I have felt so many things, heartbreak, denial, anger, disgust, extreme sadness, even the physical ache of wanting to feel her in my arms. Through all of it though I felt this strange peace that this was her plan and that God was holding her close. Almost everyone I know has given me that strange look when I express this feeling. It came so soon after we found out, really the whole pregnancy I had a lot of focus on mothers that had lost their little ones. I just felt very connected to their stories and read them almost daily the last few months of the pregnancy. So just hours after we found out, I told our pastor about this and asked if she thought it might be God's way of preparing me. I think she thought I was nuts.

I have had plenty of moments where I am mad at God, mad that I don't get to hold my little girl or watch her grow. But they are just that, moments. Moments of anger that pass, the tears come and my little ones here on earth come running to hold and comfort. I am so lucky to have such caring children. Tolly says a prayer every night thanking God for watching over Hazel and holding her since we can't, it is the most precious, heartbreaking thing.

I don't hold this anger, the pain doesn't leave but the anger fades.

I am blessed. I have many friends and family that are there for me, not always asking about her but if I need them they come running.

I am blessed. I have four beautiful children here on earth that love me so much and love each other, they are the best of friends and I couldn't ask for more. More than that they love the Lord, Tolly and I play the "I love you more" game and it always ends in "I love you more, mom-mom but I really love God the most! He amazes me, they all do. They inspire me to have that same relationship with God. Where I am in awe and just thankful for everything in my life. (That being said they are still little monsters sometimes, who are not thankful for anything and demand ice cream for breakfast sprinkled with m&m's, but they are kids what do I expect!)

I am blessed. I have found a relationship with the Lord that fills me up when I don't think I can go on. I want to live my days to the fullest, to fill up my children so that if this is the last day we spend together they know I gave them everything I had. I want to be proud of me. Some days I fail, but I kiss them goodnight we say our prayers and I hope for another day to show them how much I love them.

Back to the facebook page, there was so much anger on the page.... I felt consumed, almost guilty that I wasn't holding this anger... should I be angry? Am I not being a loving mother to my angel if I'm not more angry about her death? ....... I don't think so, I think I am a mama who desperately misses her angel and knows that I will one day hold her for much longer than I am missing her here on earth....

I think I am.... BLESSED.

~Meagan

Unsettled....

Tonight I sit here not really knowing what to say.... interesting right? I feel so beat up after the events of the last two weeks. I am at that point where you say, 'Ok God, I know you are there, help me to see where this is taking me'. 'Help me to stay on the path that you wish for me.'

I found a quote last night that I posted on my facebook page,‎

"Thank you for letting me talk and letting me cry. Thank you for cheerful hellos and tearful goodbyes. Thank you for asking questions and saying her name. Thank you for not understanding, but sharing my pain."

- Jacqueline M. Savageau

I had a lot of people comment on how much they liked the quote. But do they really hear the words? Do they understand how much I need that? I have to admit I have VERY few people (maybe two) that even mention Hazel anymore. It breaks my heart, I fear her being forgotten.....

If you know another Angel Mama, call her ask her how she is doing. Ask her about her angel, what is she doing right now to remember her/ him. Let her know in some way that you haven't forgotten, send a note, a card something that says that you remember. It will mean the world to her, I promise.

I have a sick little boy who is in need of some cuddling so off to bed I go...

Goodnight, Meagan

Saturdays are not my favorite days.....

So I am posting this a day late but..... better late than never I guess......

Saturdays are the day we usually end up at Babies R Us to pick up diapers (keep trying to break this habit but..). Or just out at a museum, a play park, birthday party or the mall. These places on this particular day have become my least favorite places to be. Babies are everywhere. They are crying and cooing.... Sounds that I only dream I would have heard from Hazel. These things break my heart, I have pulled into the parking lot at Babies R Us many times only to back out and leave. I don't want to have to face the pain. It is real. It is intense. Some days it does not feel fair, why am I here? Why is this MY life? But then I am thankful that it is MY life. Thankful that I have been blessed with many things. I have had a lot of pain, but without this pain, these experiences I wouldn't be who I am today.

I am thankful today for the four gifts that I do get to hold today, thankful for the strength to make it through yet another day without Hazel, to have survived this day. I am thankful for the sticky grin that smiles at me from across the breakfast table. I am thankful for the smell of coffee..... and so much more.

Much Love, Meagan

Jesus bring the rain!

Feeling lost in the words of 'Bring the rain' tonight. The song talks about how you will take on all that God gives you, if it will bring glory to His name. I am trying to live those words, trying to prove that I am strong enough to really live those words. I want those around me to see it in my actions, to hear it in my words.

This has been a very difficult week for many reasons. My marriage of almost 10 years has come to an end. My integrity has been questioned. My heart is broken, shattered into a million pieces. But still I pray, Jesus bring the rain. I would not be in this place with the support I have here, if the Lord did not intend for it to be. I believe that He is doing work here and it is good. The pain is intense but I am strong. I never wished that my life would turn out this way. I certainly didn't dream of this life when I was a little girl planning my future. But this is the day the Lord has made and I will rejoice and be glad in it. At least I am trying....

I am thankful for so much today..... For 'bunny' kisses from my children, for a sweet "thanks Mama for being the bestest pancake maker" from my sweet 5 year old, for good friends standing strong beside me, for a mother who truly had God's love shining through her this week, for an Eternal Flame that lies deep in my soul that cannot ever be extinguished but that fuels the desire in me to want to be a better person. In the midst of this storm I am thankful.

Thankful....

Tonight I am thankful.

Thankful that I have been blessed with five beautiful children.

Thankful that I can still hug 4 of them because that horrible day in May could have ended much worse.

Thankful that I got to hold my angel. She was beautiful and though I missed out on so many experiences with her, I will never forget feeling her grow inside of me, watching her little body dance around on the ultrasound. Sadly I will also never forget the day she left my body already gone from this world. Holding her, feeling her little body getting colder and not being able to warm her. Watching her little lips grow a deeper red with every passing hour. Seeing my children come in with such excitement and sadness ready to say Hello and Goodbye at the same time to the little sister they had waited so anxiously to meet. It was the worst day of my life, but I was thankful.

Thankful that my other 4 children were safe.

Thankful that I had supportive family and friends with me.

Thankful that my Grandmother could be there with me, feeling my pain. My Grandmother experienced two stillbirths and was never allowed to hold her babies, she later told me that holding Hazel helped her heal in some way from these losses.

Thankful that God was there, assuring me that this was the plan that it was not an accident. That Hazel was safe, she was with Him.

Thankful that through the intense pain, I could feel him there.

Thankful that I have so many supportive friends and family to stand by my side, as I walk this long road of grief.

Thankful that through difficult situations God has brought the right people into my life at just the right time.

Thankful that I have children who love God as much as I do and show it to those around them.

Thankful that I have had such a strong faith instilled in me that I can weather this storm and know that God is still good.

Feeling Blessed,

Meagan

Missing my girl.....

In a few days it will have been 8 months since I came home without Hazel in my arms. Many days the pain is so intense that it feels like we just came home.

I miss my little girl, my arms ache to hold her. I wish I would have gotten to see her look at me, I am sure she would have had the same big beautiful eyes as her siblings. I wonder what her cry would have sounded like, what would have soothed her cries. I wonder what her little sounds would have been, which one of us would have gotten her to giggle the first time? My older girls always had fun guessing what kind of fairy would be born from their little sister/ brothers first laugh. They have talked about how a fairy will never be born from Hazel's laugh, its so heartbreaking to see them experience such great pain.

I will never have these experiences and it is breaking my heart. I am very faithful that this was God's plan and that He is good. But tonight I don't like it, I want to scream and yell and be angry. I will because I know he can handle it, I don't think it makes it any easier though.

I have been blessed with a few friends that have walked this road with me and made it just a little more bearable. I cannot express how much these few people mean to me. They are truly gifts from a Heavenly Father that knows what is best for me and has blessed me with their love and friendship.

I was looking through a journal of letters to Hazel I have written and favorite poems collected along the way. I felt this one helped me the most tonight.

Mama you look sad today.

I wish it weren't so

I know its because you love me

But you had to let me go.

I've made a lot of friends

They're angel babies too.

We laugh and sing and play,

The fun is never through.

One day will come

And my name they'll say

"It's your turn, the time is here

Your Mama comes today".

Please do not rush to me,

That day will come due

Until then I'll play and sing

And learn all about you.

My Grandmas' tell me stories,

My Grandpas' sing to me too.

They talk of you and my daddy

And the things you used to do.

I know it sounds so busy,

But time is different here.

In your heart and on your mine,

I am always here.

-Katie L. Finn

I just want to hold her......

~Meagan

Hazel's song

My dear friend (and Godmother to 3 of my children) Pam has two beautiful daughters. Pam's oldest daughter had to write lyrics to a song for her creative writing class, she titled the song Hazel's song...

There are those who must learn

From loss, despair and grief.

Her ashes rest peacefully in her urn.

The one that took her is a thief.

For all of the paths to wisdom

Tis is the cruelest and the longest.

Passed while still hidden,

Leaving a hole in the heart of those fondest.

Chorus:

A moment of silence fills the room,

Remembering her who has passed,

Not yet emerged from the womb.

The memories of her will always last.

Hazel, the name of an angel.

She didn't even experience her first breath.

Immediately from birth to death.

Not knowing of the upcoming doom.

Eyes pulled away from the road to yawn.

Just on their way to the birthing room.

In a blink of an eye, and an angel was gone.

When the baby's heartbeat stopped.

The heart of the mother dropped.

A moment of silence fills the room.

Remembering her who has passed.

Not yet emerged from the womb.

The memories of her will always last.

Hazel, with the face of an angel.

She didn't even experience her first breath.

Immediately from birth to death.

Most people only dream of angels,

We held one in our arms.

Hazel Gillian Rae Flower Smith,

You are forever in our hearts.

A moment of silence fills the room.

Remembering her who has passed.

Not yet emerged from the womb.

The memories of her will always last.

Hazel, had the fate of an angel.

So she never experienced her first breath.

She went immediately from birth to death.

Beautiful words from such a young girl, I am so blessed to have her and her family in my life. I thank God for them everyday.

Meagan

Blessed

This was a post that I put on my other blog shortly after we lost our precious Hazel. I thought it was appropriate to re-post here.

In the midst of dealing with the grief of losing our precious Hazel we are moving our family across town! It was yet another unexpected "gift" from God. I have decided to call these things "gifts" to honor God and make sure that I remember that it is His plan not mine and even though I may not always like the "gift" I have been given it was given to me out of love. I have to believe that losing Hazel and making this difficult move is all part of a bigger plan, a way to bring me closer to God and make us all realize that without Him we are nothing, we NEED Him!

I have turned to God in a way that I never have before, a way that I didn't know I could. Shortly after losing Hazel I found Angie Smith's book, Carry Me. Angie is a beautiful person with an amazing faith in the Lord. I have only encountered one other person who has shown this kind of faith to me and those around her, my grandmother Donna Baer. Grandma Baer has always been the pillar of faith in our family and everyday I am more thankful to have her in my life. My grandmother and Angie are amazing women and I am striving to obtain that kind of faith, the kind that will carry me through the difficult times and make the celebrations mean that much more! I have begun to form the personal relationship with God that we are all called to have, I am praying in a way that means so much more to me than just asking for God to "fix" the broken things in my life. I have taken the time to just be quiet and admire God for all He is, for all He has done and all He can do.

Know that today I am praying for you too, for all the babies that have left this earth too soon. I am praying for peace for all the Mama's and Daddies who are grieving those little ones. I pray that our children are playing at the feet of our Lord, perfect little babies watching over us waiting for the day we can again hold them in our arms.

I think I am closer to "that" kind of faith than I ever thought I was possible for me. I am so blessed to have people in my life that are so encouraging and who I feel truly do love me. So tonight I am thanking God for these people (you know who you are!!) and hoping that God can impact their hearts the way he has mine.

Much Love,

Meagan

Love this....

I found this on one of the message boards I often visit...

We thought of you with love today, but that is nothing new
We thought about you yesterday, and the days before that too
We think of you in silence, and we often speak your name
Now all we have are memories, and maybe a picture in a frame
Your memory is our keepsake, with which we'll never part
God has you in his keeping, we carry you in our hearts ♥ ♥

A day doesn't go by that I don't think of Hazel. I miss her so much and even though "they" tell me it will get easier, it keeps getting harder. Harder to face the pictures of her hanging on the will knowing that there will never be another, harder to feel the ache in my arms when I want to hold her and she is not there. Harder to look into the eyes of my children and see her but miss her so much it hurts to look at them. Harder to hold everyone else up when I just want to crawl under my bed and hide! Harder to see the dresser full of clothes that were never worn. Harder to believe that she is gone.......

I was very blessed to have the opportunity to spend some time with another Mama last night. She is an amazing woman full of such strength. She is also the Mama of an angel, one here on earth. Her daughter is the most precious baby I have ever met (aside from my own of course!! Lol) She gives me such hope and encouragement. I hope that I can at least give her a glimmer of what her and her husband have given me.

I am having a difficult week, I am back at a place where I feel so consumed by life (mainly my relationship with G) that I feel like I have had to put my grief on hold again. This time I am not finding myself angry but more like God is telling me that it is ok to just take care of me for a while. I want to find me again, to find a way to memorialize Hazel's life in an important way. After she past that was my biggest fear that people would forget her and her life would seem insignificant. I will not let that happen. I have prayed a lot over this and for now G and I will take the backseat and I will just give it to God to take care of for a while. My children need me right now, I need me. Any words of encouragement are much appreciated as I start this new journey.

Much love, Meagan

Emotional baking.....

So over the last few weeks I have taken up baking. For those who know me I am not in any way talented in this area.... or so we thought! I have actually surprised myself and shocked the rest of my family!! I have done really well. But all these cookies, scones, bars, breads and pastries are catching up with me. I am on the hunt for some "healthier" baking options. I have a copy of the Sneaky Chef that I plan to pull some stuff from soon. If you have any ideas let me know, I would be glad to hear them.

Its late and I still have laundry to fold so... off to do chores :(

Hugs, Meagan

I recently found this poem and have to say that it is my favorite one so far.....

Love in Every Tear

O precious, tiny, sweet little one
You will always be to me.
So perfect, pure, and innocent
Just as you were meant to be.
We dreamed of you and of your life
And all that it would be.
We waited and longed for you to come.
And join our family.
We never had the chance to play,
To laugh, to rock, to wiggle.
We long to hold you, touch you now
And listen to you giggle.
I'll always be your mama,
He'll always be your daddy.
You will always be our child,
The child that we had.
But now you're gone...but yet you're here
We'll sense you everywhere.
You are our sorrow and our joy,
There's love in every tear.
Just know our love goes deep and strong
We'll forget you never--
The child we had, but never had
And yet will have forever!

This is the poem that inspired the memorial handkerchief, I drew a picture of a giraffe with a halo and an angel wing this morning so hopefully I can begin my project this evening.

Wish me luck!

Meagan

I was perusing my favorite sites today after the little ones were tucked in and found this beautiful letter by Anne Peters.....

Last night my sadness woke me up and I sobbed uncontrollably,
The world was sleeping so I turned to the Lord for conversation,
I feel like I'm getting my life together Lord, except for these holes.
The losses I have had, have left these holes in me,
and now my life keeps seeping out the holes.
I've tried filling the holes with all kinds of things,
Busyness, food, sympathy from others, but nothing works,
And the grief from memories past enveloped me again,
and I sit rocking myself, holding myself, trying to give comfort to my pain,
wanting to gain understanding, this pain sure hurts, Lord.
And then as early morning came, I heard him softly call my name,
With nail-scarred hands outstretched to me,
he said so very tenderly, "I have holes too,"

And then I knew, he understood, as no one could.

After having a good cry over it for a while, sometimes it just feels good to let it out. I feel her the most in those quiet times when I am reading a poem or letter. I am having one of those weeks where I just want her here.... these are the hardest times, the times when nothing seems to make it hurt less and the whole world is moving so fast around me.

While on the etsy site I also found a memorial handkerchief, it was hand embroidered. It had a picture of a bear looking up at a star, it was beautiful but I really want to make my own. I did some cross stitch as a kid with my mom and sister but I have never embroidered anything, hopefully I can pull it off. I will post pictures when I get there.

I have continued my emotional baking, I have widened my baking to include not only sweets though, I was afraid that our waistlines were going to suffer! I made coconut shrimp last night with a spicy orange marmalade dipping sauce. It was AWESOME!! G and I loved it, the kids didn't even want to try it but we took some to my mom and she gave her thumbs up so it was a win as far as I am concerned!

Well enough random thoughts for this evening, I have lots of Homeschool planning to do.....

Goodnight and God bless,

Meagan

Update.... Here is a picture of the handkerchief, it's not perfect but my girls were so proud to show it off at church the day after I finished so I guess it is a success!!

A few bad days....

My last post had been sitting for a while as I got interrupted when writing.... with 4 little ones who could imagine?

Anyway so the last few days have been pretty rough, I have been really struggling with my grief the last few days and its now effecting G and I. Three days ago my Dad and Sister passed away, one month later my fourth child was born and a few months after that I was overcome by Post Part-um Depression. It was an awful time and G struggled with understanding how to deal with it himself. I think he is seeing some of the same things happening again (as do I, only I am scared, he is angry) and he is pulling away.

Today was better, I spent all day yesterday baking.... what I like to call "emotional baking". I made peanut butter cookies, coconut apricot cookies, and an apple coffee cake. I was up until 2am and was awoken but four little loves at 6 but my coffee cake was wonderful!! The baking paid off and I felt much better today. I have collected new recipes and plan to hit Giant Eagle early tomorrow so the kids and I can spend another day baking! Great homeschool lessons, along with great therapy and some wonderful bonding!

Please send any yummy recipes my family thanks you in advance!

Meagan