Chicken Soup for the Angel Mommy's Soul.....

Today I came across a facebook page with this title. I was excited to check it out and after everyone was tucked into bed I looked it up. I am not sure how I feel now....

Since the death of my precious Hazel I have felt so many things, heartbreak, denial, anger, disgust, extreme sadness, even the physical ache of wanting to feel her in my arms. Through all of it though I felt this strange peace that this was her plan and that God was holding her close. Almost everyone I know has given me that strange look when I express this feeling. It came so soon after we found out, really the whole pregnancy I had a lot of focus on mothers that had lost their little ones. I just felt very connected to their stories and read them almost daily the last few months of the pregnancy. So just hours after we found out, I told our pastor about this and asked if she thought it might be God's way of preparing me. I think she thought I was nuts.

I have had plenty of moments where I am mad at God, mad that I don't get to hold my little girl or watch her grow. But they are just that, moments. Moments of anger that pass, the tears come and my little ones here on earth come running to hold and comfort. I am so lucky to have such caring children. Tolly says a prayer every night thanking God for watching over Hazel and holding her since we can't, it is the most precious, heartbreaking thing.

I don't hold this anger, the pain doesn't leave but the anger fades.

I am blessed. I have many friends and family that are there for me, not always asking about her but if I need them they come running.

I am blessed. I have four beautiful children here on earth that love me so much and love each other, they are the best of friends and I couldn't ask for more. More than that they love the Lord, Tolly and I play the "I love you more" game and it always ends in "I love you more, mom-mom but I really love God the most! He amazes me, they all do. They inspire me to have that same relationship with God. Where I am in awe and just thankful for everything in my life. (That being said they are still little monsters sometimes, who are not thankful for anything and demand ice cream for breakfast sprinkled with m&m's, but they are kids what do I expect!)

I am blessed. I have found a relationship with the Lord that fills me up when I don't think I can go on. I want to live my days to the fullest, to fill up my children so that if this is the last day we spend together they know I gave them everything I had. I want to be proud of me. Some days I fail, but I kiss them goodnight we say our prayers and I hope for another day to show them how much I love them.

Back to the facebook page, there was so much anger on the page.... I felt consumed, almost guilty that I wasn't holding this anger... should I be angry? Am I not being a loving mother to my angel if I'm not more angry about her death? ....... I don't think so, I think I am a mama who desperately misses her angel and knows that I will one day hold her for much longer than I am missing her here on earth....

I think I am.... BLESSED.

~Meagan