I never got to dress her in a favorite outfit.
I had already bought her first Christmas outfit, it still has the tags on it. As do the cute little clothes bought just a week before her birth.
We have blankets, a few lovies, all embroidered with her name. All of these things sit unused....
I have kept them all sitting on the changing table and tucked in the drawers of her dresser.
I haven't changed anything other than to add her beautiful urn and angel box.
Her angel box is full of the few momentos we have from her short time with us. A lock of hair, a hospital bracelet she never wore, a beaded bracelet that my sweet nurse made for us. a few pictures
That is all there is.
There will never be anything else, nothing else to add to the scrapbook of her life.
I have many things, poems and thoughts written on little pieces of paper. Things I have jotted down when a thought crosses my mind or I saw something that made me think of her. But these are the things that go in the scrapbook of her memory.
I miss her, I want to hold her, to learn all her little sounds and her favorite things. I want to watch her interact with her siblings. They all love her and miss her so much but Tolly is the one who expresses it the most freely.
I love to watch him, as he talks to her. He loves to hold her or whisper to her picture. Its so sweet and helps so much, to see him love her in a very real visible way.
I know that one day I will hold her and know her. I know that it I will hold her longer than I won't. These are the things I remind myself of everyday, when the days are long and I am missing her more than the day before.