Tuesday, December 28, 2010
My children LOVE dancing, they eat sleep and breath dance. Its actually kinda sad when you think about it, most of their lives have been spent in the dance studio. When we aren't at the studio we are dancing in the kitchen, the grocery store or at church... just about anywhere it strikes them! Anyway two weeks ago we realized that with G's change in job we could no longer pull off the increasing cost of dancing with such passion. We had to make the difficult choice to stop dancing for the year. It was one of the hardest decisions we have ever had to make... but how to tell the kids proved even harder. I was pretty sure I could convince them that winter break lasted at least 4 weeks, and then someone was bound to get sick..(I would fake it if I had to!) This was just something I couldn't imagine doing, having to break their little hearts yet again this year. So we waited, I'm not sure what we were waiting for, but the Lord did. Yesterday we sat down to read our Bible story and without thinking which one we would read I flipped through the book and came upon the story of Abraham being told that God wanted him to leave his home and everything he knew and just trust that God was leading him to something better. During our discussion afterward I heard this little voice inside me saying "Tell them!", I promptly told that voice to SHUT UP!! I didn't want to tell them... but in the end the"voice won out and I told them. It was far less dramatic than I expected and it ended up leaving me feeling very relieved and actually wondering if they were ready for a break!
Sunday, December 19, 2010
So today was the first day of Grief counseling for the kids. It went really well they all enjoyed their time there, they did lots of crafts and frosted cookies. I think it was good but they are really at a different place and need something more personal. I am proud to say that they are very comfortable talking about Hazel and their feelings. Although I don't know how much more they would like to talk as sometimes I am just too overwhelmed or tired to open the "angel" box. (I know, I know and believe me I have lots of "Mama guilt over it!!) So they did well and the counselors were very surprised at how open and connected they were to their feelings. In fact I had one counselor tell me that we were the "poster parents" on how to deal with kids going through grief, that we were doing everything "right". I just started crying and saying then why do I feel so lost? What do I do when I don't want to talk or just don't feel strong enough? She said well you are allowed to set boundaries for your own grief as well and that is ok. Well she is not the one with a crying child and the guilt of just not wanting to deal with someone else's grief when you just can't face your own! I just keep going trying my best and that is all I can do. We are getting there one day at a time, we are spending lots of time talking and I think that is helping us all.
I am again asking for your continued prayers as we face the coming weeks of unknown with G's job. I am praying that he gets a lead for something new. I also need to find something part time that will allow me to stay at home with the kids as much as possible. This is such a difficult time but we are so blessed to have loving, supportive family and friends that I thank God for everyday.
Friday, December 17, 2010
As if we haven't been facing enough this holiday season we found out yesterday that George will be reduced to strictly commission pay. Given this, his pay will be cut by more than 80% at least and we don't expect to see a paycheck until February at the earliest. We are crushed in so many ways, every time we start to feel we are getting a handle on things the rug gets pulled out again. Please pray for us as we face yet another challenge.
On the bright side of things we did have a wonderful day together as a family, playing and laughing. It was followed by pizza by candlelight and a movie!! I love my children and husband, they are the reason I keep going.
Tomorrow we begin grief counseling with the kids. Ivy is excited, but she heard there is an art project so thats just her thing! Madelyn seems a little worried, I think she is just not wanting to face those feelings of sadness. Tolly doesn't seem to have much opinion yet we'll just have to see how it goes with him. Please pray that we can all be strong and face the feelings we need to to begin healing from this tragic loss.
God Bless, Meagan
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
So I have decided that I need to make myself come here everyday. I need to let out how I am feeling. More than anything I think I just need to have something that I do everyday that is just for me (other than eating sitting down, which as of late has begun to seem like a guilty pleasure since someone is always in need of something when I do sit!)
Things in my life seem to only get harder as the days go by, which for those of you who have taken the time to read my story know that it can't be good! (Don't worry if you haven't, its long and sad so I don't really blame you! But if you do I hope that you can at least take away a shard of hope that maybe things in your life aren't as bad as they may look and that the Lord is watching over you after all.)
This week I had someone very close to me and the daily grind which I call life tell me that I should want people to feel sorry for me!! That I was "suffering" and I deserved pity!! I am suffering the loss of my perfect baby girl and the pain it has caused me, my husband and my dear children.... BUT in no way do I feel that I "suffer" because of the daily trials I face. I am very blessed and I try to remind myself of these blessings often! Maybe I need to be reminding those around me as well..... how about a post it note on the mirror or maybe it could be spelled out in pancakes!! (Believe it or not I ROCK at spelling things with pancake batter!! One of my many hidden talents!) Sure I have my days where I just want to lay in bed and wallow in self pity but then four little blessings remind me that they need to be fed so I have to face the day like it or not!! So I say a prayer for strength and go on, some days look better than others but I am making it.
So if you have any ideas of helping a love one to look at the brighter side of things without just ignoring the bad please let me know, I would love to hear them!
Much love, Meagan