Saturday, January 29, 2011

Saturdays are not my favorite days.....

So I am posting this a day late but..... better late than never I guess......

Saturdays are the day we usually end up at Babies R Us to pick up diapers (keep trying to break this habit but..). Or just out at a museum, a play park, birthday party or the mall. These places on this particular day have become my least favorite places to be. Babies are everywhere. They are crying and cooing.... Sounds that I only dream I would have heard from Hazel. These things break my heart, I have pulled into the parking lot at Babies R Us many times only to back out and leave. I don't want to have to face the pain. It is real. It is intense. Some days it does not feel fair, why am I here? Why is this MY life? But then I am thankful that it is MY life. Thankful that I have been blessed with many things. I have had a lot of pain, but without this pain, these experiences I wouldn't be who I am today.

I am thankful today for the four gifts that I do get to hold today, thankful for the strength to make it through yet another day without Hazel, to have survived this day. I am thankful for the sticky grin that smiles at me from across the breakfast table. I am thankful for the smell of coffee..... and so much more.
Much Love, Meagan

Jesus bring the rain!

Feeling lost in the words of 'Bring the rain' tonight. The song talks about how you will take on all that God gives you, if it will bring glory to His name. I am trying to live those words, trying to prove that I am strong enough to really live those words. I want those around me to see it in my actions, to hear it in my words.

This has been a very difficult week for many reasons. My marriage of almost 10 years has come to an end. My integrity has been questioned. My heart is broken, shattered into a million pieces. But still I pray, Jesus bring the rain. I would not be in this place with the support I have here, if the Lord did not intend for it to be. I believe that He is doing work here and it is good. The pain is intense but I am strong. I never wished that my life would turn out this way. I certainly didn't dream of this life when I was a little girl planning my future. But this is the day the Lord has made and I will rejoice and be glad in it. At least I am trying....

I am thankful for so much today..... For 'bunny' kisses from my children, for a sweet "thanks Mama for being the bestest pancake maker" from my sweet 5 year old, for good friends standing strong beside me, for a mother who truly had God's love shining through her this week, for an Eternal Flame that lies deep in my soul that cannot ever be extinguished but that fuels the desire in me to want to be a better person. In the midst of this storm I am thankful.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011


Tonight I am thankful.

Thankful that I have been blessed with five beautiful children.

Thankful that I can still hug 4 of them because that horrible day in May could have ended much worse.

Thankful that I got to hold my angel. She was beautiful and though I missed out on so many experiences with her, I will never forget feeling her grow inside of me, watching her little body dance around on the ultrasound. Sadly I will also never forget the day she left my body already gone from this world. Holding her, feeling her little body getting colder and not being able to warm her. Watching her little lips grow a deeper red with every passing hour. Seeing my children come in with such excitement and sadness ready to say Hello and Goodbye at the same time to the little sister they had waited so anxiously to meet. It was the worst day of my life, but I was thankful.

Thankful that my other 4 children were safe.

Thankful that I had supportive family and friends with me.

Thankful that my Grandmother could be there with me, feeling my pain. My Grandmother experienced two stillbirths and was never allowed to hold her babies, she later told me that holding Hazel helped her heal in some way from these losses.

Thankful that God was there, assuring me that this was the plan that it was not an accident. That Hazel was safe, she was with Him.

Thankful that through the intense pain, I could feel him there.

Thankful that I have so many supportive friends and family to stand by my side, as I walk this long road of grief.

Thankful that through difficult situations God has brought the right people into my life at just the right time.

Thankful that I have children who love God as much as I do and show it to those around them.

Thankful that I have had such a strong faith instilled in me that I can weather this storm and know that God is still good.

Feeling Blessed,

Friday, January 21, 2011

Missing my girl.....

In a few days it will have been 8 months since I came home without Hazel in my arms. Many days the pain is so intense that it feels like we just came home.

I miss my little girl, my arms ache to hold her. I wish I would have gotten to see her look at me, I am sure she would have had the same big beautiful eyes as her siblings. I wonder what her cry would have sounded like, what would have soothed her cries. I wonder what her little sounds would have been, which one of us would have gotten her to giggle the first time? My older girls always had fun guessing what kind of fairy would be born from their little sister/ brothers first laugh. They have talked about how a fairy will never be born from Hazel's laugh, its so heartbreaking to see them experience such great pain.

I will never have these experiences and it is breaking my heart. I am very faithful that this was God's plan and that He is good. But tonight I don't like it, I want to scream and yell and be angry. I will because I know he can handle it, I don't think it makes it any easier though.

I have been blessed with a few friends that have walked this road with me and made it just a little more bearable. I cannot express how much these few people mean to me. They are truly gifts from a Heavenly Father that knows what is best for me and has blessed me with their love and friendship.

I was looking through a journal of letters to Hazel I have written and favorite poems collected along the way. I felt this one helped me the most tonight.

Mama you look sad today.
I wish it weren't so
I know its because you love me
But you had to let me go.

I've made a lot of friends
They're angel babies too.
We laugh and sing and play,
The fun is never through.

One day will come
And my name they'll say
"It's your turn, the time is here
Your Mama comes today".

Please do not rush to me,
That day will come due
Until then I'll play and sing
And learn all about you.

My Grandmas' tell me stories,
My Grandpas' sing to me too.
They talk of you and my daddy
And the things you used to do.

I know it sounds so busy,
But time is different here.
In your heart and on your mine,
I am always here.

-Katie L. Finn

I just want to hold her......


Thursday, January 20, 2011

Hazel's song

My dear friend (and Godmother to 3 of my children) Pam has two beautiful daughters. Pam's oldest daughter had to write lyrics to a song for her creative writing class, she titled the song Hazel's song...

There are those who must learn
From loss, despair and grief.
Her ashes rest peacefully in her urn.
The one that took her is a thief.

For all of the paths to wisdom
Tis is the cruelest and the longest.
Passed while still hidden,
Leaving a hole in the heart of those fondest.

A moment of silence fills the room,
Remembering her who has passed,
Not yet emerged from the womb.
The memories of her will always last.

Hazel, the name of an angel.
She didn't even experience her first breath.
Immediately from birth to death.

Not knowing of the upcoming doom.
Eyes pulled away from the road to yawn.
Just on their way to the birthing room.
In a blink of an eye, and an angel was gone.

When the baby's heartbeat stopped.
The heart of the mother dropped.

A moment of silence fills the room.
Remembering her who has passed.
Not yet emerged from the womb.
The memories of her will always last.

Hazel, with the face of an angel.
She didn't even experience her first breath.
Immediately from birth to death.

Most people only dream of angels,
We held one in our arms.
Hazel Gillian Rae Flower Smith,
You are forever in our hearts.

A moment of silence fills the room.
Remembering her who has passed.
Not yet emerged from the womb.
The memories of her will always last.

Hazel, had the fate of an angel.
So she never experienced her first breath.
She went immediately from birth to death.

Beautiful words from such a young girl, I am so blessed to have her and her family in my life. I thank God for them everyday.



This was a post that I put on my other blog shortly after we lost our precious Hazel. I thought it was appropriate to re-post here.

In the midst of dealing with the grief of losing our precious Hazel we are moving our family across town! It was yet another unexpected "gift" from God. I have decided to call these things "gifts" to honor God and make sure that I remember that it is His plan not mine and even though I may not always like the "gift" I have been given it was given to me out of love. I have to believe that losing Hazel and making this difficult move is all part of a bigger plan, a way to bring me closer to God and make us all realize that without Him we are nothing, we NEED Him!

I have turned to God in a way that I never have before, a way that I didn't know I could. Shortly after losing Hazel I found Angie Smith's book, Carry Me. Angie is a beautiful person with an amazing faith in the Lord. I have only encountered one other person who has shown this kind of faith to me and those around her, my grandmother Donna Baer. Grandma Baer has always been the pillar of faith in our family and everyday I am more thankful to have her in my life. My grandmother and Angie are amazing women and I am striving to obtain that kind of faith, the kind that will carry me through the difficult times and make the celebrations mean that much more! I have begun to form the personal relationship with God that we are all called to have, I am praying in a way that means so much more to me than just asking for God to "fix" the broken things in my life. I have taken the time to just be quiet and admire God for all He is, for all He has done and all He can do.

Know that today I am praying for you too, for all the babies that have left this earth too soon. I am praying for peace for all the Mama's and Daddies who are grieving those little ones. I pray that our children are playing at the feet of our Lord, perfect little babies watching over us waiting for the day we can again hold them in our arms.

I think I am closer to "that" kind of faith than I ever thought I was possible for me. I am so blessed to have people in my life that are so encouraging and who I feel truly do love me. So tonight I am thanking God for these people (you know who you are!!) and hoping that God can impact their hearts the way he has mine.

Much Love,

Monday, January 17, 2011

Love this....

I found this on one of the message boards I often visit...

We thought of you with love today, but that is nothing new
We thought about you yesterday, and the days before that too
We think of you in silence, and we often speak your name
Now all we have are memories, and maybe a picture in a frame
Your memory is our keepsake, with which we'll never part
God has you in his keeping, we carry you in our hearts ♥ ♥

A day doesn't go by that I don't think of Hazel. I miss her so much and even though "they" tell me it will get easier, it keeps getting harder. Harder to face the pictures of her hanging on the will knowing that there will never be another, harder to feel the ache in my arms when I want to hold her and she is not there. Harder to look into the eyes of my children and see her but miss her so much it hurts to look at them. Harder to hold everyone else up when I just want to crawl under my bed and hide! Harder to see the dresser full of clothes that were never worn. Harder to believe that she is gone.......

Saturday, January 15, 2011

I was very blessed to have the opportunity to spend some time with another Mama last night. She is an amazing woman full of such strength. She is also the Mama of an angel, one here on earth. Her daughter is the most precious baby I have ever met (aside from my own of course!! Lol) She gives me such hope and encouragement. I hope that I can at least give her a glimmer of what her and her husband have given me.

I am having a difficult week, I am back at a place where I feel so consumed by life (mainly my relationship with G) that I feel like I have had to put my grief on hold again. This time I am not finding myself angry but more like God is telling me that it is ok to just take care of me for a while. I want to find me again, to find a way to memorialize Hazel's life in an important way. After she past that was my biggest fear that people would forget her and her life would seem insignificant. I will not let that happen. I have prayed a lot over this and for now G and I will take the backseat and I will just give it to God to take care of for a while. My children need me right now, I need me. Any words of encouragement are much appreciated as I start this new journey.

Much love, Meagan

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Emotional baking.....

So over the last few weeks I have taken up baking. For those who know me I am not in any way talented in this area.... or so we thought! I have actually surprised myself and shocked the rest of my family!! I have done really well. But all these cookies, scones, bars, breads and pastries are catching up with me. I am on the hunt for some "healthier" baking options. I have a copy of the Sneaky Chef that I plan to pull some stuff from soon. If you have any ideas let me know, I would be glad to hear them.

Its late and I still have laundry to fold so... off to do chores :(

Hugs, Meagan

Friday, January 7, 2011

I recently found this poem and have to say that it is my favorite one so far.....

Love in Every Tear

O precious, tiny, sweet little one
You will always be to me.
So perfect, pure, and innocent
Just as you were meant to be.
We dreamed of you and of your life
And all that it would be.
We waited and longed for you to come.
And join our family.
We never had the chance to play,
To laugh, to rock, to wiggle.
We long to hold you, touch you now
And listen to you giggle.
I'll always be your mama,
He'll always be your daddy.
You will always be our child,
The child that we had.
But now you're gone...but yet you're here
We'll sense you everywhere.
You are our sorrow and our joy,
There's love in every tear.
Just know our love goes deep and strong
We'll forget you never--
The child we had, but never had
And yet will have forever!

This is the poem that inspired the memorial handkerchief, I drew a picture of a giraffe with a halo and an angel wing this morning so hopefully I can begin my project this evening.

Wish me luck!

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

I was perusing my favorite sites today after the little ones were tucked in and found this beautiful letter by Anne Peters.....

Last night my sadness woke me up and I sobbed uncontrollably,
The world was sleeping so I turned to the Lord for conversation,
I feel like I'm getting my life together Lord, except for these holes.
The losses I have had, have left these holes in me,
and now my life keeps seeping out the holes.
I've tried filling the holes with all kinds of things,
Busyness, food, sympathy from others, but nothing works,
And the grief from memories past enveloped me again,
and I sit rocking myself, holding myself, trying to give comfort to my pain,
wanting to gain understanding, this pain sure hurts, Lord.
And then as early morning came, I heard him softly call my name,
With nail-scarred hands outstretched to me,
he said so very tenderly, "I have holes too,"
And then I knew, he understood, as no one could.

After having a good cry over it for a while, sometimes it just feels good to let it out. I feel her the most in those quiet times when I am reading a poem or letter. I am having one of those weeks where I just want her here.... these are the hardest times, the times when nothing seems to make it hurt less and the whole world is moving so fast around me.

While on the etsy site I also found a memorial handkerchief, it was hand embroidered. It had a picture of a bear looking up at a star, it was beautiful but I really want to make my own. I did some cross stitch as a kid with my mom and sister but I have never embroidered anything, hopefully I can pull it off. I will post pictures when I get there.

I have continued my emotional baking, I have widened my baking to include not only sweets though, I was afraid that our waistlines were going to suffer! I made coconut shrimp last night with a spicy orange marmalade dipping sauce. It was AWESOME!! G and I loved it, the kids didn't even want to try it but we took some to my mom and she gave her thumbs up so it was a win as far as I am concerned!

Well enough random thoughts for this evening, I have lots of Homeschool planning to do.....

Goodnight and God bless,

Update.... Here is a picture of the handkerchief, it's not perfect but my girls were so proud to show it off at church the day after I finished so I guess it is a success!!

Monday, January 3, 2011

A few bad days....

My last post had been sitting for a while as I got interrupted when writing.... with 4 little ones who could imagine?

Anyway so the last few days have been pretty rough, I have been really struggling with my grief the last few days and its now effecting G and I. Three days ago my Dad and Sister passed away, one month later my fourth child was born and a few months after that I was overcome by Post Part-um Depression. It was an awful time and G struggled with understanding how to deal with it himself. I think he is seeing some of the same things happening again (as do I, only I am scared, he is angry) and he is pulling away.

Today was better, I spent all day yesterday baking.... what I like to call "emotional baking". I made peanut butter cookies, coconut apricot cookies, and an apple coffee cake. I was up until 2am and was awoken but four little loves at 6 but my coffee cake was wonderful!! The baking paid off and I felt much better today. I have collected new recipes and plan to hit Giant Eagle early tomorrow so the kids and I can spend another day baking! Great homeschool lessons, along with great therapy and some wonderful bonding!

Please send any yummy recipes my family thanks you in advance!