Missing my girl.....

In a few days it will have been 8 months since I came home without Hazel in my arms. Many days the pain is so intense that it feels like we just came home.

I miss my little girl, my arms ache to hold her. I wish I would have gotten to see her look at me, I am sure she would have had the same big beautiful eyes as her siblings. I wonder what her cry would have sounded like, what would have soothed her cries. I wonder what her little sounds would have been, which one of us would have gotten her to giggle the first time? My older girls always had fun guessing what kind of fairy would be born from their little sister/ brothers first laugh. They have talked about how a fairy will never be born from Hazel's laugh, its so heartbreaking to see them experience such great pain.

I will never have these experiences and it is breaking my heart. I am very faithful that this was God's plan and that He is good. But tonight I don't like it, I want to scream and yell and be angry. I will because I know he can handle it, I don't think it makes it any easier though.

I have been blessed with a few friends that have walked this road with me and made it just a little more bearable. I cannot express how much these few people mean to me. They are truly gifts from a Heavenly Father that knows what is best for me and has blessed me with their love and friendship.

I was looking through a journal of letters to Hazel I have written and favorite poems collected along the way. I felt this one helped me the most tonight.

Mama you look sad today.

I wish it weren't so

I know its because you love me

But you had to let me go.

I've made a lot of friends

They're angel babies too.

We laugh and sing and play,

The fun is never through.

One day will come

And my name they'll say

"It's your turn, the time is here

Your Mama comes today".

Please do not rush to me,

That day will come due

Until then I'll play and sing

And learn all about you.

My Grandmas' tell me stories,

My Grandpas' sing to me too.

They talk of you and my daddy

And the things you used to do.

I know it sounds so busy,

But time is different here.

In your heart and on your mine,

I am always here.

-Katie L. Finn

I just want to hold her......

~Meagan