February 9th was the anniversary of my younger sister's death 3 years ago. Jennifer was just 26 years old. It was a very sudden loss and we were all shocked and devastated. We had been preparing for the death of my father who had been home on hospice for 8 months and now during his last days on earth we had to tell him that his baby girl had gone ahead of him. It was the hardest thing I have had to watch my Mom go through. At this time when she was already carrying so much on her tired but strong shoulders she had to look at the love of her life and tell him something that she knew would break his heart. She did it with so much love and compassion. Maybe in some way it prepared me for telling George the same news almost 3 years later.
The next 12 days were long and difficult, we watched the life slowly drain out of my Dad's body. I recieved the call on a cold snowy evening on Feburary 21st that he had taken his last breath and it was time to come and kiss his earthly body goodbye. I drove only 45 minutes that night but it seemed like hours... I wanted to be there to hold him, to hold my Mom. After getting to the house and kissing him goodbye for the last time, we gathered in the living room with loved ones and talked about what a wonderful man he was. We talked of all the little quirks that made him who he was, the things we would see in each other, in my children, the things that keep him alive in us all today. It was a beautiful evening in the midst of so much agony.
For two weeks we planned and prepared for a memorial service where we would say goodbye to both my sister and my father. My mom had decided to wait and do them together because this way, in her eyes she would be comforted by the fact that they were together. It was a wonderful service and many came to celebrate the lives of these two very special people with us.
At this time of so much sorrow, my belly was growing bigger every day with new life. Just 24 days after my Dad passed away I gave birth to my fourth child, a little girl who would never get to meet Paw Paw or Aunt Jenni. This has been something I have struggled with, with mixed feelings of sadness and anger. However, I had a good friend remind me the other day that although Dad and Jenni are not here, my children will get to know them through the memories, love and experiences that I had with my Dad and Sister that I share with them. It made me realize just how close they still are and how much I really do try to keep their memory alive in my home. I am blessed to have such good friends and family surrounding me during these difficult times.
"Our hearts still ache in sadness, and secret tears still flow, what it meant to lose you, no one will ever know" ~unknown
~Meagan
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