My best friend shared this with me tonight....

“Cuddled in Heaven”

We had so little time to share, Too soon, I had to leave.

I know how much you love me.

I know how much you grieve.

I know how sharp your pain is, I feel the aching in your hearts.

My life so quickly ended before it barely had a start.

I remember how you held me, and kissed my face and hands.

You cuddled me so gently, but God had other plans.

I was your perfect angel from God you knew I came.

Suddenly he called me home again, and now God holds my hand.

I know you’ll always miss me, I understand your pain is hard to bear.

Just remember that I’m in heaven and we’ll see each other there.

So smile when you think of me and wipe away all your tears.

I’m cuddled now in heaven by our family members here.

I’m waiting here in heaven, and on the day we meet again, I’ll be the first to smile and greet you,

when God calls you home to him.

I am so blessed to have such good friends. I love you Stephanie!!

Almost a year....

I have almost done it... almost survived the first year without Hazel. It has been a long 11 months and 3 weeks. So much in our lives have changed, it has truly been a roller coaster. I am holding on, getting stronger everyday and remembering to be thankful for all the blessings I have in my life.

Today I found this poem on another Angel mommies blog and thought I would post it here.

You never said you're leaving

You never said goodbye

You were gone before I knew it,

And only God knows why.

A million times I needed you,

A million times I cried.

If love alone could have saved you,

You never would have died.

In life I loved you dearly

In death I love you still

In my heart you hold a place,

That nobody can fill.

It broke my heart to lose you,

But you didn't go alone

For part of me went with you,

The day God took you home.

Author unknown

I bought floating lanterns for Hazel's Angel day celebration. I was so happy to get them in the mail this week. The kids, my mom and I decided to do a 'test launch' tonight. They were much bigger than we thought they would be and took a little time to inflate but once it took off it was amazing! I was a little worried about the twisting and bobbing that it did, I was sure that with my luck it was going to fall and catch someones house on fire!!! We watched until it flew out of sight and while I'm certain it didn't catch anyone's house on fire I would like to know how many people saw it and wondered what in the heck it was! :) I can't wait to let them off together. The kids want to draw pictures and write notes to attach to the lanterns to 'send' to Hazel. It will be a special day and while I am not sure that I am really ready to face her first birthday without her here, I know that I will be surrounded by the people that love me the most and for that I feel blessed.

Getting ready for Angel Day.....

May 23rd is approaching fast and I am not ready. Not ready emotionally or physically. Everything I thought I wanted that day to be doesn't seem right now.

How do prepare to celebrate your daughters first year when she spent it in Heaven instead of in your arms?

I haven't blogged lately because I just can't deal with the pain. Everything has been so hard lately with George and Hazel has again gotten tucked deep in my heart. I feel like if she is there she is safe. I want to keep her safe, to keep myself safe from the pain.

George and I are having a hard time figuring this out, getting on the same page and doing what is best for our family. I know that the day will come and it will fall together but right now I am overwhelmed.

Just a few quotes I found tonight as I was looking through my favorite baby loss sites.

"Some say you are too painful to remember, I say you are too precious to forget!"

"Dear Lord, I would have loved to have held my babies on my lap and tell them about you, but since I didn't get the chance, would you please hold them on your lap and tell them about me?"

"Loved with a love beyond telling,
Missed with a grief beyond all tears."

~Meagan

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in other's eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not
theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try to walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so that they don't hurt quite so
much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think
about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

-Author Unknown

I am good, I am ok.....

I have been trying to make time to write here for almost a week! I always find an excuse... too tired, too busy... Not sure why.

A very special friend asked me how I was doing a few days ago. Not thinking anything I said "I'm good!". The friends responded "No, how are you really?". How am I really? I am good, I am ok.... I am the best I can be today. I always have this guilty feeling that I am not doing enough for the kids here with me, that I am not thinking of Hazel enough. That I am not 'doing' something in her memory. We talk about her all the time, and we always kiss her urn as we walk by in the morning and at night. But is that enough? I want to do more to honor her memory.

Honestly I don't want to have to honor a memory but I want to hold her, to play with her, to see her smile. I want her here with me. I want all of this nightmare to go away.....

Over the last 9 months my life has taken so many twists and turns that some days I feel like it's all spinning out of control. Then sometimes, when I slow down for a little while, I can feel God's hand at work. I am able to smile and believe that even if I don't know what it is, there is a plan. That if I have patience I will see the great gifts God has in store for me. If only I could remember to be patient more often......

I am blessed to have such supportive and lovingly friends and family who are always there for me, to help me see those blessings and remind me to slow down. I thank God every day for each of you! Thank you for being there to help me navigate every twist and turn, each heartache and JOY!

Loving you all,

Meagan

Please forgive me for rambling.... I will post again soon....

"Mama, you know when I walk by the changing table and I kiss that box I am kissing Hazel right?" -Toliver age 5

I can't believe my baby boy is 5 already. He is the sweetest most sincere little boy ever. Tolly always tells me that he loves me more than I love him, its just not possible...

He is always talking about Hazel and talking to her. He prays everyday and thanks God for taking care of her. Tonight my two oldest girls are having a sleepover with Neeni (Grandma!) and it hadn't been 10 minutes since we dropped them off before he was saying "I sure miss the girls already!"

Toliver has such a deep love for Hazel, I love to watch him hold her urn. He talks to her and prays for her everyday.

My girls all love Hazel and grieve for her in their own ways of course. I see it different in all of them.

But something that is the same is they all talk about her all the time. I love this, I love that they include her in just about everything we do. They talk about her, even Penelope who isn't even 2 yet will occasionally walk over and talk to her and ask about baby Hazel. I love that even though they are little and only got to hold her earthly body for a few short hours they know that she was a real person, their real sister.

I am blessed in so many ways, I just wish it wasn't so hard to see some days.....

Look for your blessings today,

Meagan

(started this almost 2 weeks ago, just now posting oops!!)

Unworn Clothes.....

I walk by Hazel's dresser every morning. Every once in a while I think about the little outfits she never got to wear.

I never got to dress her in a favorite outfit.

I had already bought her first Christmas outfit, it still has the tags on it. As do the cute little clothes bought just a week before her birth.

We have blankets, a few lovies, all embroidered with her name. All of these things sit unused....

I have kept them all sitting on the changing table and tucked in the drawers of her dresser.

I haven't changed anything other than to add her beautiful urn and angel box.

Her angel box is full of the few momentos we have from her short time with us. A lock of hair, a hospital bracelet she never wore, a beaded bracelet that my sweet nurse made for us. a few pictures

.

That is all there is.

There will never be anything else, nothing else to add to the scrapbook of her life.

I have many things, poems and thoughts written on little pieces of paper. Things I have jotted down when a thought crosses my mind or I saw something that made me think of her. But these are the things that go in the scrapbook of her memory.

I miss her, I want to hold her, to learn all her little sounds and her favorite things. I want to watch her interact with her siblings. They all love her and miss her so much but Tolly is the one who expresses it the most freely.

I love to watch him, as he talks to her. He loves to hold her or whisper to her picture. Its so sweet and helps so much, to see him love her in a very real visible way.

I know that one day I will hold her and know her. I know that it I will hold her longer than I won't. These are the things I remind myself of everyday, when the days are long and I am missing her more than the day before.

~Meagan